Spray tanning + booth = BAD

Oscar pulled through the spray tanning magnificently last night. My skin however? Not so magnificent. Some area's are splotchy, my hands and fingers look like they contracted some hideous disease, my face looks...oompa loompaish. On the plus side? My legs look AWESOME!!!!!!!
I decided we needed a tan because there is a family portrait being taken on Saturday afternoon in London (another first with Oscar...plane trip!!) and I wanted to look good. I will never ever go into a conventional tanning bed and have had a spray tan before....done by a technician. This is were you strip down to your skivvies, stand in front of a complete stranger and she applies the tanning spray with a gun that looks disturbingly like a paint gun used by body shops. So last night, hoping to save a little money I made an appointment at a salon/spa that has the "California Tan" machine. Hm, a machine?
I walk in the spa/salon and the girl takes me to a room which has the machine in it. I’m given Barrier Creme (a lotion), and am instructed to put it on areas that might pick up more color than wanted – hands, fingernails, tops and sides of feet. I put on the Barrier Creme, and also put on a hairnet (haha) to protect my hair. The girl punches in “level 2″ on the machine and then leaves the room. You can customize the “darkness” of the tan to best fit your skin tone. I get undressed and this is were it gets interesting. Oscar and I are looking at each other with a "so what do we do now smarty pants" look and decide the best thing to do is to wear the full piece bathing suit with the top pulled down and covering my tummy/him. I am tanning with the lower half of my tummy covered and my boobs sticking out. What lows have I sunk to? I step on the spot where I’m supposed to stand, and then press the “go” button. The machine talks and tells me to close my eyes and hold my breath, and after a quick countdown, it sprays for about 3 seconds. I sort of hold my arms out to the sides and move around a bit to try to get even coverage. The spray was pretty cold, so I wasn’t expecting that! Then the machine tells me to turn around, and it sprays my back. Next the machine actually starts drying me and within a minute I’m done! I step off the machine and feel sticky and un-pleasant and get dressed carefully. I look in the mirror and think "wow, I look orange and it's splotchy" Walking out of the room and into the reception area the receptionist asks me "so how was it?" where I say "I look orange and splotchy" She then proceeds to tell me it will get darker in the morning and it's nothing to worry about and to call her tomorrow to let her know how it is.
I went home to sleep and woke up this morning with splotchy bedding. My husband thinks I'm insane when I exclaim "who's bleeding?" and he say's "no honey, no one is bleeding, it's your tanning stuff." Um, crap. So I hurry into the shower praying the splotchy/dotted hands will magically disappear...to no avail. All the while, Oscar is making noise and generally laughing because he escaped this episode un-scathed. It is at this point, looking down, that I realize "perhaps the bathing suit top down method wasn't such a great idea" I have a perfect line of white/tan dissecting my middle. Thank god It's not bikini season. I'm staring down at my hands while I type this thinking...I look like I've smoked 5000 cigarettes and I'm blotchy. Grrr. Looking in the mirror I realize fake tanner has sunk into every single pore on my face and is making me look like a gigantic "connect the dots". Really not good.
A good friend Dave, upon hearing my plight this morning suggested I steal some of my husband's Fast Orange from the shop, it has grit in it and maybe will exfoliate the areas. Didn't work Dave!!!!!!!! I am now at the shop and going into the wash station and washing my hands/face every 20 minutes. Please let this fade by tomorrow at noon!