Unclenched Awesomeness!

Tuesday, Oct. 4, was my husband’s 30^th birthday. We played hooky from work, closed the shop and decided to spend the entire day at West Edmonton Mall, at the water park to be more precise. I have been to the mall a million times but have never actually gone in to the water park. All those enclosed tubes, twisting and spiralling, full of gushing water, just didn’t seem like a good idea to a woman with a permanent unclenched rear end.

Since the water park didn’t open until noon, I had all morning to mentally and physically prepare myself for what I was sure would be a disastrous foray into the world of water gushing flumes + ostomy. I started off the morning with a naked Oscar change, making sure he was new and fresh and ready to face the great unknown. I debated first with Oscar, then with the pugs and finally with one of our cats over whether or not to wear a belt to ensure the horrific didn’t happen. The horrific being Oscar and I shooting down a sluice at 60 kilometers an hour when the copious amounts of flowing water somehow un-hook Oscar’s pouch and we wind up at the bottom, naked, covered in excrement and the entire water park has to be evacuated. Somehow my 1 piece bathing suit has flown off in the process. I decided to bring the belt. Just in case.

Needless to say I spent quite a few sleepless nights leading up to what I have dubbed “the great unveiling.”

Noon arrived and we were let loose into the park. A couple of tattooed hooligans (Neil and Ryan) and 1 nervous ostomate, determined to plaster a look of “this is just like any other day in the water” on her face, strode in and decided what to tackle first. While the boys rode every slide that was open, I casually picked out our seats and consumed a beer before I even got up the nerve to take off my swim cover. I shouldn’t have worried, the kids staring at me where more interested in either my full sleeve tattoo or my Ipad . Comfortable in my teal, ruffled bathing suit, I entered the wave pool and floated around luxuriating in the feel of warm water in October. Throw another beer into me and I was ready to take on some slides. Neil and Ryan kept reminding themselves to clench and when I looked askance as to what the meaning was, Neil told me I didn't have to worry. My Barbie butt is the best defence against an unintentional enema. The first two slides made me realize these aren't mamsy pansy water slides but instead, harsh, fast, you better clench ALL your cheeks or you’re getting water up your rear and your mouth/nose. The eye opening moment of the day came when I found myself in the toilet bowl ie: Tropical Typhoon. It is a slide that shoots you down into a huge cylinder where you swish around a few times and then are “flushed” into a splash pool below. I realized that all my fears about Oscar and a water park were un-founded. There wouldn't be any "great unveiling." I could ride any slide I wanted and no one was the wiser with my cute ruffled swim suit hiding any bulges.

Thank you Oscar for allowing me to experience ass clenching water slides, even if I no longer have to clench. Although, holding my breath (as demonstrated by me in the above picture, on Tuesday) does seem like a safe bet.