Tonight while on the way to the Home Depot, Oscar’s pouch got all puffy and was in need of a burp. For those of you not lucky enough to have acquired an ostomy, a “burp” is required once in a while to expel the gas trapped in the pouch. Gas build up, or inflatable play toys (according to our cats) usually happen when there is runny poop that has clogged the filter. A burp is easy to do on the sly and even easier if you have 2 pug’s constantly present, that you can blame the smell on.
While Neil was driving, I cagily opened the sun roof (ventilation) and quickly opened a corner of the pouch/wafer. The pouch didn’t decrease nearly enough and when I decided to give it an encouraging “pat” some contents leaked out. I was stuck in the car with a poopy wafer and some excrement sitting on my abdomen. Unfortunately I couldn’t blame the smell on the Pugs as they weren’t with us and I certainly couldn’t explain why I was sitting in the passenger seat with my skirt down to my knees, covered in waste, if we had been pulled over.
I grabbed some Kleenex and wiped up the mess but couldn’t quite look my husband in the eye while I mumbled “we need to go home…..now.”
Neil looked over at me and as cool as can be said “did you just shart?” And then laughed uproariously as if it was the funniest thing he had ever heard. I tried to come back with some witty retort but found I had to think, what would be an ostomates version of a shart? I know a shart is between a shit and a fart and it happens when you think all you need to do is fart but a little poop comes out instead.
Hilarity ensued while we decided what could be the new name for when a burp turns nasty. I don’t think Tupperware had this in mind when they coined the phrase “Just Burp It.” After quite a few strange words were bandied about, we settled on “SHURP” i.e.; a shit-burp. I think it’s completely appropriate and I am sure some, if not all of you, are nodding your head in agreement.
Thank you Oscar for being the inspiration in the creation of a new word “shurp.” Perhaps in the future you can wait until we are safely ensconced in our own bathroom before you try to be a muse for anything else.